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What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles. There’s a mile between the two S’s.

When my friend told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.

What does a subatomic duck say? Quark.

I called the casino to ask why the deck of cards I ordered hadn’t arrived. They assured me they were dealing with it.

What did the brown bear say when he called customer service? Just bear with me here.

I once watched a video where a guy gets electrocuted twice. It was revolting.

Target has an exclusive new doll named Divorced Barbie. She comes with all of Ken’s stuff.

My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to see the Golden Gate. She asked what I was going to do when we see it. I suggested we cross that bridge when we get there.

We lost 25% of our roof in that last big hurricane. Oof!