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My most memorable elementary school teacher was Ms. Turtle. Funny name, but she tortoise well.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. Bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”

Did you hear about the guy who flew so close to the sun that he touched it at exactly one point? He was a real tan gent.

Why possums considered marsupials? They have the right koala-fications.

My neighbors listen to really good music, whether they like it or not.

I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. Guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.

What do goats and cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.

Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed. Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.

Why did the interior designer decorate the room with fighter jets and biplanes? The client requested plain wallpaper.