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What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? Frostbite.

What should Shrek wear when he gets sweaty? Deogreant.

Did you see the woman that was walking down the street and turned into a café?

I was afraid that I broke my sewing machine. It seams fine now.

What do you call a group of gangsters that refuse to turn off the lights on their cameras? A flash mob.

My girlfriend has changed a lot since she became vegan. It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

I brought Emma to my office for ‘Take Your Daughter to Work Day,’ and she was soon crying. With my team watching, she explained: “But, dad, where are all the clowns you’re stuck with?”

I couldn’t do math in kindergarten unless I was sitting in someone’s lap. It wasn’t a problem, but as an adult I can’t count on anyone.

How many times does the exaggeration club meet weekly? About a million.

My dog is really good at playing fetch. I think I’ll promote him to branch manager.