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Sometimes I tell dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs at them.

What do you call a dog that only eats ants? An aardbark.

I saw my nephew after a year and said, “Wow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last.” He said, “Nope. Still only have the two.”

My psychologist told me that my addiction to exhibitionism is incurable. I’ll show her.

How do percussionists get their seafood? They castanet.

An unspeakable thing happened to me at work today. Let’s not talk about it.

How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian.

I just had my picture taken with REM. That’s me in the corner.

Why can’t an illegally parked car go on a toboggan run? Because it only has one boot.

Not a fan of Orion’s Belt, huh? It truly is a big waist of space.