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My son beat my neighbor in a marathon. He’s now in custody for assault.

What do you call an alligator that wears a vest? An investigator.

What’s big, gray, and makes you jump? The elephant of surprise.

I wouldn’t buy anything with Velcro. It’s a total rip-off.

Son: “Dad, what does entropy mean?” Dad: “Hard to say. It isn’t what it used to be.”

What do you call a hot dog that won a race? A wiener.

What did the toucan say to the cashier when she bought a tube of lipstick? Can you put it on my bill?

You ever just think, “Phuket?” And book a last minute trip to Thailand?

Why did Stalin only write in lowercase? He didn’t like capitalism.

I gave up assembling the last part on my new bike. I just couldn’t handle it.