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An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman asks: “Is this a joke?”

There are so many bugs in my apartment that I called the police. They’re sending a swat team.

Do you know what happened to the turkey? He didn’t Czech his flight plans and ended up in Greece. Unfortunately, people were Hungary.

My coworker asked me to bring something hard to write on. I’m not sure why she’s mad; it’s pretty hard to write on sand.

My grandfather woke up before dawn every day to go sailing. When I asked him why so early, he told me: “The schooner, the better!”

What ever happened to the stuttering prisoner? He could never finish his sentence.

My aunt had a neck brace fitted years ago. She’s never looked back since.

I really should get on with my diet, but I just have too much on my plate right now.

I get agitated whenever I hear A, E, I, O, or U. Turns out I have irritable vowel syndrome.

My wife suggested I write a book based on all of my silly dad jokes. I thought that was a novel idea.