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I was at a big house party and there was a Slovak DJ, and a Czech one too. A Czech one too.

I was offered a job as an undertaker but I turned it down. I couldn’t dig it.

If you have 13 bananas in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have? Big hands.

The only thing that can defeat me is a double amputation.

Job recruiter: “Tell me about your dream employer. Boeing, Google, a startup?” Me: “Listening. Yes, I’d have to say that’s my greatest weakness.”

I’m sad that my old Samsung printer finally stopped working today. It was like a Brother to me.

Did the person who coined the term ‘one hit wonder’ come up with any other phrases?

Today I saw twin pandas. I thought, “That bears repeating.”

I refused to accept that my dad was stealing from his job with the highway commission. However, when I got home the signs were all there.

Two nuts are racing down the street. One nut yells to the other: “I’m a cashew.”