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If pronouncing ‘V’s like ‘B’s makes me sound Russian, then Soviet.

Everyone loves my tattoos and asks where I had them done, but no one believes when I tell them Spain. Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson. He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”

What happens when you think you’re on a porch, but you’re not? The gazebo effect.

I put on a clean pair of socks each day of the week. By Friday, I could hardly get my shoes on.

At the grocer, I saw someone pouring soy sauce on a guy flat on the floor. I told him to stop immediately; it’s not right to Kikkoman when he’s down.

Can February March? No, but April May.

What part of the body is the last to die? The pupils, they dilate.

I almost got caught stealing a board game today. But it was a risk I was willing to take.

Recently, I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I’d try but I know all the words to Bohemian Rhapsody.