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Our letter carrier never gets the humor in my best jokes. I guess the key to a good mailman joke is the delivery.

Our director is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.

What do you call a green onion with mad rhyme skills? A rapscallion.

What do old people win for ageing? Atrophy.

As a lumberjack, I’m proud to have cut exactly 2,000 oaks. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.

My wife wanted me to skip my friend’s BBQ to go to the theater. I’m afraid it would have been a big missed-steak.

My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator. I guess we are raised differently.

My dad won’t let me say ‘hell,’ so I asked, “Have you thought of any alternative names for hell?” He said: “I heaven’t.”

My friend was electrocuted yesterday. He tried to eat an Apple.

What’s E.T. short for? Because he has little legs.