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I’m color blind but I swear I could see purple today. Sadly, it was only a pigment of my imagination.

An old man driving home hears an alert on the radio: “Breaking news, one car going the wrong way on Main Street. Drivers, be careful.” Looking around, he says: “One? There are hundreds.”

I asked my neighbor if he would tell me how often he cuts his lawn. He says it’s on a need to mow basis.

You haven’t heard the joke about the three deep holes? Well, well, well.

Don’t stare at a glass of water. Take a pitcher it’ll last longer.

At first I didn’t understand how a computer mouse worked. But then it just clicked.

I started my first herb garden and each plant is sorted alphabetically. My wife asked me, with work and the kids, how I find the time. I said, easy, it’s right next to the sage.

What do you call a pencil without lead? Pointless.

Did you read about the latest advances in pillowcase design? They’re making headlines.

What do you call a hen who counts her eggs before they hatch? A foolish mathemachicken.