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I was just informed that I’ve suffered amnesia for since I was a teen. You think I would remember something like that.

I was just hired at the guillotine factory. I’ll beheading there soon.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings, you know she’s a keeper.

I have a terrible fear of elevators. I’m taking steps to avoid it.

As I gave Dad his 60th birthday card he said to me: “Just one would have been fine.”

How would the world operate if it were run by the Danish? We would have a pastry-archal society.

How did the metal frog greet his friends? Rivet rivet.

What did one casket say to the other? “That you coughin’?”

Ever tell a good steak pun? You should, it’s a rare medium well done.

My Indian friend announced to her family that she wants to wear a ball gown to her wedding. She told them: “Sorry, but not Sari.”