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What do you call fake potatoes? Imitaters.

What did the one legged man do at the ATM? Check his balance.

You can’t run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it’s past tents.

Guy: “You’re the most average girl I’ve ever met.” Girl: “Wow, you’re mean!” Guy: “No, seriously, you are.”

What do they call the security guards at Samsung? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Son: “How did you sleep last night?” Dad: “I closed my eyes and waited.”

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type AB blood. Unfortunately it was a Type-O.

Why did the tennis player die alone despite many suitors? Love meant nothing to her.

Did you hear about the pizza parlor that reopened as a butcher shop? The owner flips each cut in the air like dough. The steaks have never been higher.

If I had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive, eventually they would find me attractive.