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I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef but you can’t pea soup.

Hey, do you want to hear a construction joke? Give me a second; I’m still working on it.

I got hit by a rental car. It really Hertz.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of an orange gourd by its diameter? Pumpkin pi.

Visiting the hospital for a broken thumb, I asked the nurse if I’d be able to play the piano. Nurse: “Yes, of course.” Me: “That’s great, I couldn’t play before.”

Woman: “Doc, my husband thinks he’s a dog. Can you help?” Psychiatrist: “Sure, have him lie down on the couch.” Woman says: “Oh no. He’s not allowed on the couch.”

The police arrested two men, one for drinking battery acid and the other for eating fire crackers. They charged one and let the other off.

What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.

It’s could be dangerous to drive my car right now. But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.