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Mom: “We shouldn’t curse around the kids anymore.” Dad: [puts the voodoo doll away].

Mother: “Doc, all four of my boys want to be valets as soon as they turn 16.” Doctor: “Ma’am, that’s the worst case of parking sons disease I’ve seen.”

Yesterday, I caught my girlfriend out to dinner with her personal trainer. I told her, “This isn’t working out.”

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to school? Because her students were so bright.

There are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can’t.

Farmers don’t just grow grapes. They’re raisin them.

Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark? Because Noah was standing on the deck.

I had a hard time finding rubber snakes at the toy store. Eventually, I found them in the rept-aisle.

It’s difficult to say what my wife does. She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

I stopped looking for my watch. I just couldn’t find the time.