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My doctor told me my larynx is damaged and I may never speak again. I can’t tell you how upset I am right now.

Why do dogs have such a great attitude? They like to stay paws-itive.

Did you hear about the ruthless CEO that walked into the bar? He ordered everyone around.

Why was Cinderella kicked off the soccer team? She ran away from the ball.

Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side got cut off? He’s all right now.

Two hungry travelers lost in the desert see a bacon shrub. One makes a run for it and gets caught up in a net. He yells to his friend, “Stop! It’s not a bacon shrub, it’s a hambush!”

What type of tissue can you sleep on? A nap-kin.

I asked a hundred women which shampoo they preferred. Their number one answer was: how did you get in here?

How do people in Star Trek tolerate high speeds? They Klingon to something.

What did baby computer call his father computer? Data.