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I accidentally glued my autobiography to my hand, but nobody seems to believe me. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

No bragging, but I made six figures last year. Unfortunately, they named me worst employee at the toy factory.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter.

If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

One should never iron a four leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.

What do you call a wedding between two communists? A Soviet union.

Did you hear that all of the toilets were stolen from NYPD HQ? The detectives have nothing to go on.

I haven’t slept for three days. That would be far too long in bed.

You may have seen the email going around about canned meats. Don’t open it, it’s spam.

Did you hear about the actor that literally broke a leg on stage? Don’t worry; he’s still in the cast.