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Spring has finally arrived. I’m so excited that I wet my plants.

My daughters… just like their mother. I wish they liked their father too.

Can vegans eat pudding? No! How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half-way.

Why couldn’t the amputee find work as an editor? He didn’t have the footage.

This girl and I are getting serious. We went to see the new Batman movie on our ninth date. Our relationship has been: dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman.

Have you heard about the controversial new sunglasses? They’re extremely polarizing.

My cat threw up on the carpet. I don’t think he’s feline well.

The other day my wife asked to pass her lipstick. I passed her a glue stick; she isn’t talking to me right now.

When my dear oma died, she was cremated. I had her ashes placed in a trophy that read: “World’s Best Grandma.” She urned it.