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Did you hear about the dog that gave birth in the park? She was cited for littering.

There’s really no point in using dull knives.

I sold my fancy Dyson vacuum. It was just collecting dust.

Do you know what really makes me smile? My facial muscles.

My wife bought me a sweater that was picking up too much static, so I went back to exchange it. They replaced it, free of charge.

I went to the therapist after my phone died. I just needed an outlet.

I bought a coffee table but I might send it back. It tastes nothing like coffee.

How did the farmer find his wife? He tractor down.

My new boss reprimanded me for asking customers if they preferred smoking or non-smoking. Technically, the correct terms are cremation or burial.

When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.