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Almost a dozen bugs were wandering outside my door, so I made a small paper house for them. I guess that makes me their landlord and them my tenants.

Who are the most boring people? Jen, Eric.

If you cut down a pine tree in the forest, but it doesn’t understand why, is it just stumped?

My wife threw me out of the house because I’m obsessed with talking like a news anchor. More on that after the break.

Why are foot injuries so serious? Because they take so long to heel.

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected.

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but I’m having a lot of trouble. Good players are hard to find.

I’d really like to attend my friend’s Punjabi wedding but I wasn’t invited. I hear it’s going to be Sikh, but it’s naan of by business.

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentine’s Day. February 14th.