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My parents introduced my sister and me to minimalism. It’s the least they could do.

Which weighs more, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers? Feathers, because you have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

What’s heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? The water. No matter how much, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

Right before interrogation, the man says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” Police: “You are the lawyer.” Lawyer: “Exactly, where’s my present?”

One time I paid $20 to see Prince in concert, but I partied like it’s $19.99.

Did you make the opening of the new store that only sells organic doughnuts, bagels, and Swiss cheese? They call it Hole Foods.

What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer? The former is a ladder, while the latter is a former.

I bought an expensive laxative. It gave me a good run for the money.

Why are mountain ranges funny? Because they’re hill areas.

The recipe read: “Set the oven to 180 degrees.” The problem is I can’t open the oven, as the door now faces the wall.