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How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One. She holds it up and the world revolves around her.

Why was the cow so aggressive? It was in a bad moood.

My grandpa’s last words were: “It’s worth spending a little extra for good speakers.” That was some sound advice.

Gandhi’s feet were rough from walking barefoot. He didn’t eat much, making him frail. Plus, his odd diet gave him bad breath. He was a super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

I started eating clocks on nights and weekends when I’m free. It’s a time consuming hobby.

I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

I have this terrible condition where I’m only happy while waiting in airports. My doctor says it’s terminal.

I recently took a pole at my sister’s outdoor wedding. I discovered that 100% of people are angry when tents collapse.

I received thousands of letters in the mail today. That’s the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea.

Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.