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If someone finds my lost glasses, I hope they contact me.

Did you hear about the support website for depressed tennis players? The servers are currently down.

In what state does the Missouri river flow? Liquid.

I really want to buy one of those grocery order dividers, but the lady at the checkout keeps putting mine back.

Banks should really learn to keep their ATMs stocked. I tried four different ones and each said insufficient funds.

What do you call a centenarian with excellent hearing? Deaf defying.

When is a sandwich a chef? When it’s bakin’ lettuce and tomato.

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool.

I used to work in a calendar factory but I was let go because I look a couple of days off.

Grounded by snow, I ate breakfast at the airport. My eggs came on a shiny metal plate, so I asked why. The waitress explained: “It’s Christmas and there’s no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.”