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I was almost arrested for stealing cooking utensils. It was worth the whisk.

Why is there justice in a signed confession? The criminal must write their wrongs.

Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

Why was the ice cream bad at tennis? It had a soft serve.

Me: “Alexa, I definitely don’t use any other virtual assistant.” Alexa: “Are you Siri-ous?”

I asked a beekeeper for a dozen bees. He counted out thirteen and handed them over. “You’ve given me one too many,” I said. “That one’s a freebie.”

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idear. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idear.

I was enjoying dinner at my favorite restaurant and the waiter asked, “How did you find the steak?” Me: “I looked under the parsley.”

Why did the doctor quit his practice to find a new career? He lost his patience.

What do Alexander the Great, Erik the Red, and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.