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Want to hear a joke about a stone? Never mind, I’ll just skip that one.

I wrote a joke about blowing my nose. I thought it would be funny but it’s snot.

Why did the snail paint an ‘S’ on her car? When she sped past, people would say: “Look at that S car go!”

Dad: “I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday!” Son: “I hope you enjoy it. What are your plans?” Dad: “I’m just going to live in the present.”

My wife came back from the grocery store with the wrong type of cheese. “I’m sorry,” she said. I told her: “It’s all gouda.”

I caught a great documentary on beavers last night. Best dam thing on TV.

My friend asked if I had a haircut. I told her no, of course not, I got them all cut.

I was going to tell a joke about spandex, but it would’ve been a stretch.

When I was in college, I married my best friend. My girlfriend at the time was upset, but Josh thought it was hilarious.

After trying new cheese at the grocery store, the clerk asked for my feedback. I told him it tasted grate.